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The Stuff that's on my Mind

This will be my outlet for the years to come I hope. I have a lot of thoughts, it never stops, it's not appropriate most of the times, it's random and it's sincere unfortunately. It may or may not be relevant to you or the life that you lead. Read at your own perils.
May 30 '13

Big Headed N!##@

When I went back “home” in Cameroon to visit my parents last Christmas I met a family, the family of a gentleman who lives in New York, and his family is good friends with mine.

Just to get grounded a little bit, I’m 28, my parents desperately wish I had met the “one” if there is ever such a thing, but clearly I haven’t met him and am probably nowhere close to that it seems. Sometimes it makes me sad when I think about “not having met the one” yet, sometimes I feel like I don’t care, and sometimes I realize it’s a necessary evil if I want to have kids, which I do. No, I do not wish to be a single mother but relationships and children bring happiness and headaches, I’m just trying to delay the headaches part.
Back to our little story, I met this gentleman’s family, they were cool. We had dinner, I felt like I was in one of those old African movies (see Nollywood) where the families negotiate and make “arrangements” prior to the future newlyweds even ever meeting. Fortunately my parents in addition to being open minded and progressive, know me well enough and are fully aware that any attempt to force me into something results in failure, so they made sure we had a really fun casual dinner, no pressure, no frills, no strings attached, and after this meeting of the families once I crossed the ocean only I was in control. During dinner I got to hear about the gentleman’s resume from his parents and got to see a picture of him in their great house, he looked okay I couldn’t see whether he was tall or not, which is my preference. Dinner ended up being fun, I’m always down for a free dinner, not because I am cheap but because I love food and if it’s free it’s even better, feel free to judge I don’t care.
Fast forward two weeks later I’m back in the US and this gentleman’s dad sends me a friend request on Facebook. Awkward, but I guess this is the best way to make introductions since I’m in Los Angeles, the dad is in Cameroon and the son is in New York. I accept the request only to find out later in the week that the dad tagged his son in several of my pictures and tagged me on several of his son’s picture. Furious. Obviously this old African dad doesn’t know Facebook etiquette, which is very understandable given his age but also very annoying *Ugh*. I did discreetly un-tag myself and the son wherever necessary *WTF* but I guess the process worked since the son contacted me on Facebook soon after. We exchanged a few Facebook messages via inbox he seemed to have decent social skills. In the process of this exchange of Facebook emails he asked if he could visit me in Los Angeles. I thought that was a little fast and replied “Perhaps we should get acquainted a little bit over the phone first?” which he naturally agreed to. I passed on my phone number. Three weeks later he called me, I was wondering if he was still interested, guess so. He calls, a little awkward at first but thanks to my social skills I made it easy for him to talk to me. He sounded fun, interesting at times and smart, but based on pictures I didn’t know if the attraction was there for me. The phone chemistry was okay at best; I had to make a lot of efforts to keep the conversation going although he did have thoughtful interesting things to say. During the second phone call he asked again if he could come visit and I still thought that was premature, but I said okay. Maybe sometimes it’s better to not beat around the bush and see if there is actual chemistry or get on the hell with our lives. He was coming the next weekend to LA. At first I was a little startled because I wasn’t sure what “visiting me” implied, is he expecting an airport pick up and drop off? Does he think he’s staying over at my place? Is he expecting me to hang out with him during the entire stay? When is he coming, going, will that work with my schedule? What if he bores me within the first hour, do I still have to hang out with him or can I just leave? Hard to figure those practical details with someone you’ve never met and don’t even know whether you’re interested in them. I decided to be open about it, be receptive and open. Fortunately this was a grown gainfully employed independent man who booked a hotel in my area after I provided him with my address; he was going to take a cab from and to the airport and didn’t need my assistance. Cookie points for that. He was 39 years old, and no I don’t have an issue with dating older men as long as I’m attracted to them…

Few days go by and it’s finally Saturday he’s landing at noon and we are meeting in the hotel lobby, three blocks from my place in the afternoon. I’m wearing fitted jeans, a grey long sleeve sweatshirt and my favorite wedge sneakers, cute and casual some would say. I get to the hotel lobby slightly nervous; there he is sitting at the bar with a beer, and a really big head. That was kind of shocking. His father had a big oversized head too I should have made the connection at dinner in Douala way back. My thought was he is not unattractive but I am not attracted so far, let’s see if his personality can win me over, after all he did sound smart and interesting on the phone. I sit on the stool next to him and order some water. We start talking and I ask him about how his trip went etc., within five minutes this big headed nigga put his hand on my thigh, I almost jumped off of the stool because this was too soon and unwelcome. In spite of my obvious reaction, or at least I thought my reaction was obvious, he only retrieved his hand slowly and remained touchy with me as we sat. Touching my shoulders, my hands, it was too much, was this some kind of new approach he was trying on me that he read in a magazine or his friends/dad advised him to be physically aggressive? Not sure, but I didn’t like it and I wasn’t going to have it. I stood up and suggested we get out and walk around to show him the city since it was his first time in LA.
We take a cab to Koreatown where I take him to a Korean BBQ restaurant; we are sitting across from each other so limited risk of undesirable touching. Over our BBQ ribs he manages to look me straight in the eyes and tells me that I am “bien gaulée”, twice, so that I clearly understand. The appropriate translation of this French term to English is “hot body” but in French it carries a very sexually charged meaning and when referring to a man it would mean he has a large penis i.e. sexually desirable. In other words told me I am fuckable twice as he looked me in the eyes. When he said it the second time still looking at me straight to make sure he got his point across I wasn’t sure whether I was supposed to say thank you? Thank you that you think I am fuckable, not only did I really not know but additionally coming from you it’s a blessing. Motherfucker. So uncomfortable. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. Continue to eat as if he said nothing. We ate dinner and when we got out he attempted to put his arms around my shoulders and in recent memory this has to be one of the most awkward moments I’ve experienced of someone I don’t like yet touching me *Ewwww*. Such a relief when he took his arm off and I certainly didn’t reciprocate any desire for continued physical closeness whatsoever; in the contrary I kept on distancing myself from him. We take a taxi to one of my favorite bars Downtown LA, Cana Rum Bar, which has my favorite drink the delicious Brazilian Necktie, and bonus is they play Caribbean music, dim lights, love it. If there is a chance I may like this guy this drink will certainly help, it can only put me in a good mood after all this unwanted touching. We have agreeable conversation all afternoon and evening but nothing too exciting, it is just okay. We are having our drinks and it’s about 10pm and I’m tired, I am an early bird or rather I have become one because of my choice to live in LA. I let him know I am ready to go home and this nigga asks me why won’t he come over and we can “watch a movie” aka code word for sex in most instances. I say politely yet knowingly, well “no sorry I am too tired, I will most likely fall asleep in the first minutes of the movie”. That is not enough he insists, I could come with him to his hotel room and “we could watch Movies-On-Demand”. My answer is the same “Sorry I would be too tired”. He then replies that if I fell asleep he would “take care of me in his very own special way”.*WTF* My reply was no and I got up, so he got up and I proceeded to walk home as he followed. Awkward. This big headed nigga that I just met, was not attracted to, his dad pretty much stalked me on FB and because he’s from Cameroon and he flew from NYC, talking about how he owns an apartment in Manhattan and works in Finance, he thinks I’m going to sleep with him just like that on the first day we met? What’s the catch? Which part of this date was supposed to make me want to drop the panties? Is it something he saw on my FB that made him think he can get it going real quick? *Shaking my head* We get in front of my building hug it out although I had no desire to and I’m thinking Fuck do I still have to hang out with this big headed nigga tomorrow? Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
I sleep over it, wake up the next morning feeling like I can still be friendly and deal with the situation at hand. We meet up for lunch at Grand Central Market where we get some Mexican food, he was pretty pleased with the food, guess they don’t have good Mexican food in New York. I suggest we go to Hollywood so he can check it out, let’s take the subway. He wanted to take the cab and I try to avoid driving or being in the car on weekends for the most part. He insists that he can pay for the taxi it’s not an issue and I explain to him that the subway is just more convenient, and I have no desire to sit in traffic. I insisted and we did it my way unfortunately for him, I didn’t like his behavior on day one so we were certainly not going to have it his way on my turf. When we got to the subway he admitted to me that he’s freaked out by the subway he never takes it in New York he just takes taxis everywhere. The thought of a man who is scared of the subway is just not appealing to me, I like to get around and be practical about things, and someone that just needs a taxi everywhere sounds like a Diva to me “Ain’t nobody got time for this” especially not me. We went to Hollywood and he felt overwhelmed, this nigga could never travel to Shanghai or New Delhi if Hollywood overwhelms him, I walk through this madness all the time to go to the gym. Did he even live in Cameroon? What a softy SMH - a big headed nigga who is scared, not my kind of man. We then got back downtown via subway unfortunately for him again, walked to the French Café on 7th for dessert. We start having a conversation about the previous night, pros and cons; he lets me know he is disappointed that I didn’t take his offer to go back to his hotel room with him. Astonished I ask him why I would have ever done that and he replies because I am someone who seems open minded and likes new experiences, emphasis on new experiences. What do new experiences have to do with going to his hotel room the first day I meet him I wonder, I ask him what is the connection between the two. Well he lets me know that spending the night with him would have been a new experience with a clear oral sex innuendo… And although I am a proponent of the need for women to receive oral sex I shook my head in disarray at this Nigga, at that point I was done with this big headed Nigga’s bullshit, he just had a big head WTF. I don’t understand, is it because he paid a flight to come see me that he feels he should get some ass in return? Really? If I were him I would have been a perfect gentleman, lure the girl into visiting me in New York and when she’s on my turf get more physical. Stupid Nigga. It’s about 6pm and I’m ready to say bye to this retard. His flight was a couple hours later, I was working the next day and had spent more than enough time with this Nigga. He offers to walk me home, which I could have done without. In my mind I imagined that him and I would quickly hug it out and say goodbye because clearly I wasn’t interested, and I had shown and expressed that I wasn’t as politely as I could. When we got on the sidewalk across from my building it was time to hug it out as we waited for the pedestrian light to turn green. I was just very nonchalant about the whole thing and somehow realized too late when I looked into this big headed nigga’s eyes that he was going for a real kiss and I wasn’t. I was going to move when I saw he was coming straight to my face with his big head but he held my shoulders forcefully so I wouldn’t move, right after that he quickly held my face firmly and planted his lips on mine trying to stick his tongue inside my mouth. I couldn’t believe it, so revulsing, this is exactly like in elementary when you don’t like boys and they try to give you a kiss on the cheek it’s that same feeling of intense repulsion and disgust. It was just a peck with his tongue licking my lips in the end but I really wished I could turn back the hands of time and not let it happen; this asshole had no right to even try to touch me like that. The second after he put his lips on mine I pushed him back and asked him “Whyyyy did you do thaaaat, you are supposed to gage first if I want a kiss or not, not just go for it?!?!?? You’re supposed to see if I want it first???!!!” I was really infuriated and upset, I felt truly violated because I had no desire to get close to him and it’s impossible to think he did not see it nor realize it. This made me think that he was probably turned on every time I pushed him back and saw it as a challenge or a game, but no most of the times I really mean what I say, no time for games. After my reply he had a little smirk on his face and said “Oh I’m sorry… Can we do it now?” Unbelievable. My answer was a resounding “Noooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!” In my mind I was thinking “don’t you get it, I don’t like you!!!!!!!” I was just frazzled at that point close to crying so he gave me a hug that I didn’t want. Standing still or rather paralyzed I was in shock of what just happened, mind you in the middle of the sidewalk, in broad daylight. I didn’t want him anywhere near me and I wanted to go. He patted my back saying “it’s okay, it’s okay” and it wasn’t okay. I finally got myself together and backed up, I just needed to cross the street to get home, and the light for pedestrians was red taking forever to turn green. Why would a guy ever want to force a kiss on a woman, wouldn’t he want her to want him first? I don’t get it. As soon as the light was green for pedestrians I just ran away and gave him the back of my hand to say bye… I was really upset after that but the good news is he was flying back to New York in a few hours and I would never ever have to see him again.

Fast forward this motherfucker gets back to New York on Monday and writes me a FB message saying “Oh I had a great time with you, so nice to meet you, you are great when are you going to come visit me in New York?” My reply: “Oh I had a great time too, except for when you tried to sleep with me the first night we met and forced a kiss on me the next day.” His reply: “Oh I’m sorry, oh I didn’t realize I messed things up” And then a few minutes later he texts “I was just trying to create sexual tension hahaha”. You just created tension Nigga. And I will leave this story at that, even my MOm couldn’t beliee it when I told her. Fucking big headed Nigga. 39 year old with no game.

May 10 '13

Man Problems

Jay Z says “If you’re having girls problems I feel bad for you son I got 99 Problems but a B#%$@ ain’t one”

I say “If you’re having man problems I will back you cuz Hon’ I got 99 Problems & every Nigga is one”

Mar 20 '13

Cheap Nigga Part 2 - He texted me after our Memorable date...

  • Cheap Nigga 3/8/2013 8: 36PM
  • You wanna come watch some stand up comedy DVDs
  • Me 3/8/2013 8: 48PM
  • That's kind of outta nowhere, why would I do that?
  • Cheap Nigga 3/8/2013 8: 48PM
  • To enjoy yourself
  • Me 3/8/2013 8: 49PM
  • Already enjoying myself don't u worry ;)
  • Me 3/8/2013 8: 53PM
  • I feel like u r really clueless about me
  • Cheap Nigga 3/8/2013 8: 53PM
  • No trying to put the past behind us
  • Me 3/8/2013 8: 55PM
  • I don't think inviting me to your house is the way to go about it...
  • Cheap Nigga 3/8/2013 8: 56PM
  • Whats wrong with that?
  • Me 3/8/2013 8: 59PM
  • I would only go to your house if I felt comfortable with you, and I don't. If I'm not comfortable with you outside why would I be comfortable with you at your place? If I haven't spent time with you one on one outside, why would I do it inside?
  • Cheap Nigga 3/8/2013 9: 01PM
  • You already been with me out plenty of times
  • Me 3/8/2013 9: 03PM
  • We have never been alone just the two of us, there were always friends. And I am not comfortable with you alone, its not a debate.
  • Cheap Nigga 3/8/2013 9: 04PM
  • Right
  • Me 3/8/2013 9: 17PM
  • I remember you telling me about one of your friends who will keep on talking to a girl when he spent money on her... My advice to you is, you haven't spent a dime on me yet so you can still walk away and cut your losses. I don't want to be mean with you but there is something about how you approach women, I think its not my style at all and you are just wasting your time with me
  • Cheap Nigga 3/8/2013 9: 19PM
  • Why is it always about money with you?
  • Me 3/8/2013 9: 21PM
  • Because money matters to me, I don't like cheap people in general. I'm sure there are plenty women out there who don't care about it.
  • Cheap Nigga 3/8/2013 9: 23PM
  • You have your own money so you don't need me spend any on you, we can do things without spending money
  • Me 3/8/2013 9: 23PM
  • That's your opinion not mine
  • Cheap Nigga 3/8/2013 9: 24PM
  • Wow
  • Me 3/8/2013 9: 26PM
  • I want a guy to spend money on me because I want it not because I need it. You think any woman NEEDS flowers, chocolate, jewelry, we don't need any of it to survive, we just want it. I'm sorry we are not on the same page and I'm okay with it. Like I said plenty of fish in the sea, you find yourself a nice one.
  • Cheap Nigga 3/8/2013 9: 28PM
  • How bout you pay for yourself and I'll pay for myself, I don't need a women to pay for me
  • Me 3/8/2013 9: 30PM
  • This is not a negotiation. I'm not interested.
  • Cheap Nigga 3/8/2013 9: 30PM
  • Ha
  • Me 3/8/2013 9: 31PM
  • I think you are crazy and you really don't know me
Mar 20 '13

My Christmas text message to Q:

When asked to write a positive glittery message on the Christmas tree balls at a friend’s Christmas party… I was inspired by my current flame who wasn’t giving me what I wanted…So I wrote how I felt, photographed it and texted it to him…He obviously didn’t reply… I guess I will never find out if he was talented or not… SighIs it not a reasonable Christmas present? Dang!

Mar 20 '13

Brother Dalton

Once again I will share an interesting date story. This one happened in October 2012, a little bit before I met Q. If you know me, you would know I play basketball, always have and let’s hope always will. I went through two surgeries so I could keep on playing, and no, I’m not even a professional athlete, or even close. The gentleman in this story, we will refer to him as brother Dalton, no specific connotation here. I saw him at the gym, or should I say he saw me at the gym. Once I was done with my workout at the Hollywood LA Fitness I decided to stop at American Apparel, very random of me as I never shop there. That’s when brother Dalton intercepted me. Brother Dalton was nicely dressed, at least well-dressed according to my standards. I love a man in a suit, nothing sexier in my eyes. He didn’t have a full suit on but the nice fitted jean, the work appropriate vest and the buttoned shirt in the middle of this Hollywood madness were indicative of a distinctive sense of style. Like. I responded positively to his smooth inquiry which consisted in saying “Hi” introducing himself and asking about my workout. Then he got down to business and promptly asked for my number which I willingly gave away. My only negative thought was that he was my height, hence short. He seemed like a nice guy. The following week brother Dalton conventionally sent me a text to say “Hello” and to see how I was doing. He then proceeded to ask me out, we were going to get drinks on Friday. So far so good I thought no sketchiness, no bullshit, a nice guy.

Friday night comes; I’m actually excited and looking forward to meeting this elegant gentleman and getting to know what he’s about. We are supposed to meet at 7pm. He texts me at 7pm to let me know he is about to take the subway. Late, okay, why do Nigg.. I mean Brothers always need to be late, I am the woman I am not the one who’s supposed to wait. Anyway… I try to consider myself a progressive person, like I said I try, but I did find it weird he would take the subway to meet me for our date; this would mean he was restricting our time spent together from the get-go because the subway only ran so late. It led me to wonder if he actually had a car… I decided to dismiss those materialistic shallow thoughts; maybe he was just a modern man trying to be environmentally friendly and wanting to reduce his carbon footprint, a much sexier explanation. I kept it at that. For some reason it took him 45 min in the subway from Hollywood to Downtown while it usually takes me 25 min. I was losing my patience waiting at the subway exit for him. All kind of crazy thoughts were going through my mind; did he really live in Hollywood? It probably would have taken him as much time if not less if he drove, assuming he had a car? Was he ditching me? WTF? Just when I was about to give up and head for a drink on the town by myself, he called me up as he was coming out of the subway. I turned back to go meet and greet him. I hardly recognized him. To my great surprise he was dressed nothing like when I met him, when the primary reason I gave him my phone number in the first place was because of the way he was dressed, that and his seeming eloquence. I felt cheated, betrayed, outraged. It’s like buying a car, taking a look at the Carfax, having a mechanic look at it, and when it’s finally delivered it doesn’t work. Like you did all your due diligence but you still get screwed, that’s how I felt at that very moment. The way he was dressed, the best way to explain the feeling it gave me is imagine seeing a grown adult woman peeing in the bushes, you don’t want to imagine it or see it, the thought of it makes you shake your head repetitively and scream “Noooooooo!” That’s how I felt. Brother Dalton was dressed like a rapper, I can’t describe it otherwise, I was horrified. There was this sinking feeling in my stomach. He had a huge yellow hoodie that my twenty-five year old younger brother probably used to wear when he was twenty (even my younger brother, as immature as he was, had evolved from such a style because he had found out early on the “rapper style” only appealed to real women up to a certain point). The yellow hoodie was completely oversized and only reminded me of South Park Kenny’s orange parka. It was so big it created unnecessary volume on his small body like he had some virtual squishy love handles on his wrists and on his waist. Over his big yellow hoodie he had one of those puffy sport jackets in black, which was crazy because the weather was about sixty-five degrees Fahrenheit that evening. He also had some black baggy jeans to match the volume on top, and plus the yellow Timberland boots to match his yellow hoodie. Terrible, I was speechless. I was really embarrassed to walk by his side; I would never date a man who dresses like that, even if I was tortured. It is one thing to dress in loose clothes but when you’re 5’7 you shouldn’t be allowed to wear XXL, that’s not right. As a logic consequence he was sweating. In the end he was sweating so much he ended up taking the yellow hoodie off and holding it in his arms, which exposed the combination of white tees he had under. We were in sixty five degree weather yet this man living in Hollywood was wearing two T-shirts, a hoodie, and a sports jacket. I don’t understand. Unless he came straight out of a plane from New York or Canada which would justify this much clothing to protect oneself from the cold, this didn’t make sense. After letting my mind go all over the place I just sucked it up and decided to focus on the date… We were walking to a spot I like, Silo Bar, a couple of blocks away. We get in, go upstairs, and find a nice spot by the window, perfect. Maybe something will come out of this night after all. Sigh.

We get seated and order drinks. We start having a casual conversation; he’s from Detroit and moved to Los Angeles to become a standup comedian. He actually had a show last night, it was great, and it felt great, many of his friends were there, the crowd gave him a standing ovation, and it was great. He did repeat this story at least three times during the course of the night by the way, but never mind. He has dated a lot of white women since he moved to LA, but what he really yearns for is a beautiful independent black woman, and he sees the potential in me. Lucky me. This little intro goes on about fifteen minutes, when he tells me he has something to say to me. He wants to whisper it to me, I should get closer. I get closer, turning my right ear towards him and I realize this Nigg.. Brother is trying to kiss my lips. Fifteen minutes in the date. And I’m not even feeling him. Really? I’m startled, what is this? What has the world come to? I go on pretending this moment never happened and we go on. We have a decent and even pleasant conversation at times about living Downtown LA. He then starts telling me about the Ritz-Carlton, how he likes to go to the Ritz-Carlton, he usually likes to hang out the Ritz-Carlton, he’s pretty sure I will like the Ritz-Carlton, he’ll take me to the Ritz-Carlton since I’ve never been to the Ritz-Carlton lounge, the Ritz-Calton lounge is amazing, I will love the Ritz-Carlton lounge… About 10pm he asks for the check, we each had two drinks. At least he’s not cheap (see Cheap Nigga story); he’s a gentleman and takes care of the bill without asking me for anything. Brother Dalton walks me home and I am planning the goodbye scenario in my head, I will give him a nice hug and play it cool, but I don’t know if I want to see him again, most likely not. We get in front of my building and this is what happens: I see Brother Dalton is going in for a kiss, so I am preparing my cheek and turning my face to the side. But this Nigg… Brother grabs my face with both of his hands, and even though I try to turn away plants his two lips on mine for about a second, which felt like a lifetime. I can’t believe it, which part of our interaction made him realize I was dying to kiss him? What the fuck? Once again, what the fuck? He’s never going to see me again. Forced kiss, I can’t believe it, what the fuck. Little did I know this would happen again in different circumstances, but that’s another story I will post later…

Now the best part, the follow up conversation: He texts me the next day to say he had a great time and when can we hang out again? I let him know I didn’t particularly enjoy “our goodbye kiss”, it was forced, I absolutely wasn’t feeling it. He goes “Oh I’m sorry I had such a great time with you, I hadn’t hung out in such a long time with a beautiful black woman and I was just feeling it you know, it just felt natural, you are so amazing, I couldn’t help myself, I just went for it”… “WHAT ABOUT ME FEELING IT NIGGA, DON’T YOU THINK I HAVE TO FEEL IT TOO? WHAT THE FUCK? IF YOU FEEL IT, YOU JUST DO IT? IS THAT HOW IT WORKS? IT DOESN’T MATTER IF I’M NOT FEELING IT? MOTHERFUCKER?!?!” But of course I didn’t say any of that I’m too polite. I just said nothing. Which in hindsight may have made him feel worse, but whatever, his kiss felt disgusting. It’s like kissing the ugly guy of the class in Middle School EWWW. Except he wasn’t ugly, he was actually cute, but he just completely turned me off with his new found rapper style and trying to impress me with his Ritz-Carlton and Hollywood bullshit I don’t care about unfortunately.

On a different note it is probably hard to impress me, but money and lime light is definitely not the way to go.

Mar 1 '13

2Chainz Remix

I’ve got these 2Chainz lyrics stuck in my head. 2Chainz is one of those rappers I hate to love. He is not as nasty as Too Short but he sounds a lot more ignorant. The music however is catchy as f*** I can’t help it. I typically sing his lyrics out loud but it bothers me a little, the man’s writings are quite mysogynistic. It’s probably just a front, like numerous rappers out there, and it’s typical to Gangsta Rap anyway so I guess I’m fighting the wrong battle.

But… I was thinking what would the female (e.g. Lil Kim) version of his chorus sound like? Instead of:

They ask me what I do and who I do it for
And how I come up with this shit up in the studio

All I want for my birthday is a big booty ho
All I want for my birthday is a big booty ho
When I die, bury me inside the Gucci store
When I die, bury me inside the Louis store

All I want for my birthday is a big booty ho
All I want for my birthday is a big booty ho

We would have, at least if I were Lil’Kim I’d write:

They ask me what I do and who I do it for
And how I come up with this shit up in the studio
All I want for my birthday is a big ol’ dick Yo 
All I want for my birthday is a big ol’ dick Yo 
When I die, bury me with my make up on 
When I die, bury me with my weave on 
All I want for my birthday is a big ol’ dick Yo 
All I want for my birthday is a big ol’ dick Yo 

Or yet again she could write:

They ask me what I do and who I do it with
And how I come up in the studio with this shit
All I want for my birthday is a nose in my clit 
All I want for my birthday is a nose in my clit 
When I die, bury me with some Tiffany rings
When I die, bury me with some Cartier rings
All I want for my birthday is a nose in my clit 
All I want for my birthday is a nose in my clit 

Another option is:

They ask me what I do and why my shit is on
And how I come up in the studio with this song 
All I want for my birthday is a tongue in my thong 
All I want for my birthday is a tongue in my thong 
When I die, bury me with some Louboutins on
When I die, bury me with some Jimmy Choos on
All I want for my birthday is a tongue in my thong 
All I want for my birthday is a tongue in my thong 

You pick… Let’s all enjoy a male “degrading” chorus too!

And no it’s not that easy to make shit rhyme in the end…

Feb 28 '13

Q’s Flaw, was he even worth it?

Although I liked Q a lot, Q was not perfect. He did have a significant flaw that may have hindered the potential for a relationship long term. At least I think so. Q’s sin consisted in not giving actively and spontaneously oral sex. Some may consider this a minor topic, not me.

I have come to an important conclusion with time and experience. Many will disagree with this conclusion, not me. Yes, I agree with myself. It’s important to be in accordance with oneself, at peace with oneself, so as not to be affected by outside opinions that may be irrelevant; especially in the case of such a dramatic conclusion. The conclusion is that a man that cannot embrace metaphorically and literally my clitoris and vagina, cannot truly and fully embrace me, cannot truly love me. And I care about receiving love. Love for my mind, love for my heart, love for my soul, love for my body. Add love for my vagina and clitoris too.
I have gotten in more arguments, debates, and conversations than I would like with men about the necessity to give oral sex to a woman. It’s a topic I’m very passionate about. I could probably create a website or an organization for the right of women to receive oral sex and the benefits for the partner, or perhaps the duty of the partner (man or woman) to give oral sex to his/her woman. As surprising as it may seem I have learned that there are lesbians reluctant to give oral sex as well.

In my world, when or if I do not receive oral sex from somebody I am intimate with, I feel very strongly that I am being denied my very Right to receive pleasure. I feel that it’s my right, I give you pleasure I want some too. It makes me very angry when it doesn’t happen *how dare he… Motherfucker*. Typically things work out or don’t work out this way for me: If the oral sex gift doesn’t happen during some of the first couple sexual encounters that may take place in the course of a “modern” dating process, I will ask the gentleman at an appropriate time “how do you feel about giving or receiving oral sex?” There is a standard set of answers to this question. Fortunately. Quite often when asked the person may end up mentioning all of the potential reasons hoping that one suits you and you let it go, but no, hell no. Unfortunately most of these suckers have never dealt with a stubborn focused persistent determined woman who will present solid strong valid argumentation points to why they should give oral sex, now, or soon. This quite often leads to a stalemate because the gent realizes his reasons pretty much equal bullshit, but tends to camp on his position anyway. If I had the patience to wait and see what happens maybe it could work out. But I don’t. I get frustrated because I have no patience and typically abort the dating process. But that’s just me. Some people are more tolerant and patient when it comes to this topic, and some people are more tolerant and patient period. I’m not (that’s my biggest flaw). And just like governments dealing with terrorists I refuse to negotiate. It’s my way or no way. Priorities.

Anyway… Some of the typical answers to “how do you feel about giving or receiving oral sex?” include:

1) I don’t know how to do it
2) I only do it when I am in love
3) I will only do it with actual girlfriends
4) I will only do it with my wife
5) A lot of women are not clean down there, so I don’t try to do it usually
6) I don’t care about receiving oral sex, we don’t have to do it
7) I’m just not into oral sex

All the reasons revolve around this. Below are some answers I may or may not have expressed in response to those reasons, and which could explain why it may or may not have worked out for me. But once again that’s just me, I’m not a role model, I probably don’t encourage you to follow my footsteps but rather to take the high road of patience and tolerance it seems I never end up taking, go figure.

1) I don’t know how to do it
I will teach you, don’t worry I’m good at explaining! *smile*

2) I only do it when I am in love
I just want to orgasm here, who said anything about feelings? *confused look*

3) I will only do it with actual girlfriends
So if I end up being your girlfriend you will give me oral sex? And if I don’t become your girlfriend we will have sex, but no oral sex? What kind of bullshit is that? *angry voice*

3) I will only do it with my wife
You may want to practice before you actually perform it on your wife, she might be disappointed in other words you may suck because of lack of experience, have you thought about that? *voice of wisdom*

4) A lot of women are not clean down there, so I don’t try to do it usually
I can shower right before we do it if you want *smile*

5) I don’t care about receiving oral sex, we don’t have to have oral sex
Sounds so boring, is that all you do when you have sex, put your dick in and that’s’ it? Nothing else? *unpleasant surprise tone*

6) I’m just not into oral sex
What do you mean you’re not into oral sex? Have you tried it before and you were disappointed? Or you just don’t know how to do it? *counselor voice* (Usually goes back to one of the other reasons)

7) My past girlfriends never asked for it
What kind of girls/women did you date? How old were you? A grown woman who doesn’t want oral sex, really? And never asked for it? Sounds like some bullshit to me… *Are you forreal voice*

Hence the stalemate after my answers. Those stupid reasons make me irate I can’t help it, and it’s hard to shut my mouth.

Feb 27 '13

Q

It sucks, I think of you every time I listen to Kendrick Lamar, because the first time I listened to his entire album was in your car. I like Kendrick’s music so it is slightly problematic because thinking of you is bittersweet, probably more bitter at times.

I am still very upset about everything, however this is not a hate or a love letter. I just don’t do very well with deceit, and I guess nobody does. It takes me a lot more time than most normal human beings to recover, at least it feels that way. I am upset because I know that even though I never said anything, if you are honest with yourself, you know and you knew when I met you I absolutely liked you, I was starting to develop feelings for you and was very spontaneous, open and trusting with you. Now it feels like it is the mistake I made, to be so spontaneous, open and trusting with you. You made it seem so real, talking about the next places we should go to downtown and things we needed to do together.

Then I think to myself I should be more cautious, more prudent, not so trusting. But then, would I really be myself? I guess I could find a middle ground, somehow. When I thought I had finally finally finally met a decent guy, just backstabbed, it feels like, or naive, hopeful for once, I don’t know.

I would love to send you this email so you know exactly how I feel, and how I feel is not great. I have had a few nights where I woke up and couldn’t fall back asleep because I was thinking about this. My eyes were closed but sleep wouldn’t come. I woke up tired. When I was asleep I had this sensation in my stomach. Anybody who has been deeply hurt knows this strange feeling in the stomach. I’m sure you have. And that’s where I wonder if everybody always feels this hurt, or is it just me? I feel like I shouldn’t be this hurt, but I am. Yet I pursue my normal strategy just keep going until the emotions catch up. It’s almost boring talking about this, it happens all the times, I should really get over it. Do I really get over it, or do I just carry the baggage? I think the baggage goes upstairs in the attic, and every once in a while I have to go up to the attic. When I go up the attic the baggage is always just as heavy as the first time I carried it up in there. Maybe the attic will get full one day and all the baggage will fall out and my heart will be free. That would be great, right? Right now it seems I tend to wonder more often than I would like in the attic, why? I don’t know. More questions, still no answers. Maybe I just need closure.

Feb 26 '13

Cheap Nigga

I guess the next couple of weeks should be interesting, my work load has considerably dropped (and I am certainly not complaining). When you have several weeks with consecutive 10-12 hour days, some light work can’t hurt. It may actually be good. It will be interesting to see how I fill some of that time at the office when I am really not doing shit (related to work). I realized I could take advantage of this time, or at least part of it, to share the latest of my unfortunate dating adventures.

So… Friday I went to Happy Hour with a friend of mine and met up with this guy who is interested in me. To let you know where this story is going I refer to him for the most part in this story as *Cheap Nigga*. Cheap Nigga brought a friend. We had some drinks, some sushi, we definitely had fun and he invited me the next day to his friend Karaoke event on Saturday. Needless to say Cheap Nigga didn’t buy me any drinks of course, but I thought it was okay since we were a group, at least at first. I just didn’t know how cheap Cheap Nigga was.
I was originally pumped looking forward to the karaoke thing, thinking I might have actually met a decent guy, little did I know what Cheap Nigga had in store for me.
Cheap Nigga comes to my place at 9p for some “pregame”, which is business as usual. Cheap Nigga brought some vodka but no juice or soda to mix with. So out we go in my neighborhood to get some mixers. I grab some tonic water, he grabs cranberry juice, we head to the register and Cheap Nigga asks me if I brought some money to pay for the $5.50. I find that slightly weird again not knowing how cheap Cheap Nigga really is, but maybe he left his wallet or felt that I should contribute since he brought the Vodka the more expensive piece. Cool and fair I guess, not tripping, so I pay. Always give benefit of the doubt before labeling a nigga Cheap Nigga 

We then head to my place as I proceed to get ready. When I meet Cheap Nigga in the living room, he lets me know there is a $20 cover charge at the door and I say Okay. Note this was a date. Cheap Nigga then proceeds to telling me I should probably get some cash for the cover charge, is there a bank where I can stop by to withdraw some money. I try to deflect by asking what bank HE would like to stop at, but he comes back to going to MY bank so I can get cash for MY cover charge, Cheap Nigga already has his $20. *Cheap Nigga* I was pissed. We stopped at the ATM and I got some cash. Internally shaking my head *what kind of cheap nigga is this?* We get to the spot, he lets me head in first, with a clear distance behind me of course, so there is no ambiguity on the fact that I should pay for MY own cover charge, which turned out to be $5… *Cheap Nigga*
We get in and meet his friends in a separate room, everybody’s drinking and laughing. We both sit down. He talks to his friend for a little bit, doesn’t really engage with me at all. I smile cheepishly at the stories that are being told, they all know each other from College except for me. My dear Cheap Nigga date then leaves the room to greet and chop it up with his cousin and leaves me. *This fucking Cheap Nigga why the hell did he bring me here? Should I just leave? What time is it? Almost midnight, damn it. I’m probably gonna have to stick it out till the place closes since we just got here. Fuck me* One of Cheap Nigga’s female friends approaches me and is being super friendly, she probably noticed how bored I was. We go dancing, she introduces me to her cousins, so we dance with her cousins. The night goes on like this and Cheap Nigga hardly pays attention to me. After I got my drinks Cheap Nigga comes by and asks if I need a drink *Cheap nigga*.
At the end of the night Cheap Nigga is supposed to take me back to my place, and starts “strangely” getting close to me. *Cheap Nigga doesn’t know he’s not getting any* When we get to my place he says he is not good to drive. I nicely offer for Cheap Nigga to sleep “on my couch” in those terms because I’m nice like that *Cheap Nigga still thought he was gonna get some hahaha*. He then proceeds to lay on my futon and I get to my bed. Cheap Nigga asks if I am not going to cuddle with him before going to sleep *Cheap Nigga really thought I’m a dumb bitch*. I said no. Cheap Nigga then asks why? I explain to Cheap Nigga in full details how my night went down, how he didn’t hang out with me at all. I skipped the money aspect because Cheap Nigga’s cheapness was beyond what I could have imagined, it’s a lost cause, was not worth it. I just mentioned the fact that we spent the evening separately the entire time. Unfortunately Cheap Nigga felt he had done nothing wrong and I was the one hanging out with some other dudes *Shaking my head* I then proceeded to bed. He asked again that I should join him, which again I replied to with a no. He mentioned nothing was stopping him from creeping into my bed, which I replied to by letting him know I would kick him out if he did. Cheap Nigga then finally stayed quiet.
The worst about this is that Cheap Nigga didn’t even hurry up to leave in the morning, dude stayed at my place until 1pm. Couldn’t believe it. Cheap Nigga even ate some of my food when I was at the gym in the morning without telling me, although he couldn’t spend a damn dollar on me. Couldn’t believe it. *Cheap Nigga, never again* Aaaaaaaarghhhh

Feb 26 '13

My Typical Strange Thoughts

Sometimes I feel like my life is not really my life. Or maybe it’s because it’s not the life I want it to be. Yesterday walking from my office to the bus stop I feel like I am just floating in my body, it doesn’t even feel like I am myself. I am in the air besides this body, making it move. I am walking mechanically it doesn’t really matter why I am doing it, it’s the procedure I am just following it. You work, you go home. And then you work again, and you go home again. Until the weekend. Eternal repetitiveness. Until you are sick, or you go on vacation, or you are pregnant, or else. Is there any other way? There is, but do I really want to take risks with a different route? Invested so much. All this studying, all these degrees. The fucking job search, the interview, land the job. Get an office, get projects, get them done. Congratulated. And then what? Continue the process of eternal repetitiveness until the end. What is the end? When they fire you, when you quit, when you die, I don’t know. I’m not sure, I don’t know if I was ever sure. I just do things, I am good at getting things done and then I just keep doing. I think I have goals, mostly of things I think I want, or rather goals based on things I will regret if I don’t have them eventually. Completing my life choices by process of elimination, I guess it’s an interesting approach. Maybe with some luck I will narrow it down to the very final goal of my life. 

Stagnation. It’s probably what’s bothering me right now. I am not used to it. I want progress. To where or what, I am not always sure, but I know I want progress. Right now not so much. I don’t know how long the stage will last, the stage of stagnation I am in on all fronts, including work and love. I am one of those people, on OKCupid they asked if I rather that “good” things happen or that “interesting” things happen or whether I am indifferent. “Interesting” things happening is the obvious choice for me. Movement. Even if you take a dip, you learn something and eventually swim back to progress. It’s groce just thinking about Stagnation. Doing the same thing over and over again and nothing changes. A stand up comedian once said “Do different shit”. I fully agree. Am I willing to face disruption at any cost, with no safety net? My newly found risk aversion is a direct consequence of my stagnation, too much time in the same state and you start getting used to it. It provides a comfort, which is hard to let go, especially as I get older. Vicious circle. I don’t know. And I don’t know if I will know tomorrow. I am hoping for an external disruption, I am worried I am no longer capable of creating intrinsically that organic disruption that pushes me to take different initiatives in my life and explore other paths. I am hoping tomorrow will bring more answers, but I don’t know.

"Things come in time to those who wait" but I am not patient. Do I have a choice? I am an advocate that we always have a choice. Someone told me that, or actually challenged me to realize I had a choice. And we do, we always have a choice, it may be an ambiguous, questionable, ill choice, nonetheless remains a choice. I guess time will tell but for now I have to maybe accept stagnation, hopefully it’s temporary, I really can’t stand it. Feels like I am wasting time, I could be doing bigger and better things. Is this the best use of my “talents”? Really? Feels like I could do more but I need the right opportunity, which may come in time. Hopefully before I am dead. That’s the unknown in the equation, death. I think I knocked off quite a few things on my list of things to do before I die. The list is still quite consistent. Maybe I’ve added some things as I’ve crossed off others, I don’t know. Why does it feel like it’s never enough. Will I reach a level of contentment and satisfaction? Do we ever? Or only for a few seconds? Why do I feel like I am having a mid-life crisis at 28? Just more questions and no answers. Some would say I should pray to God and have Faith, but I don’t even know. I think God exists and I believe in God, but my Faith is in shambles. I am not sure why and I don’t really know if I want to investigate. It seems like it would be emotionally draining. Staying away from emotions is always easier. Until they catch up to you. But you can run for a while though before your feelings catch up to you, I’ve found. Cancer, run over by a car, stabbed, what will it be for me, that’s why I feel like I’m wasting time. Might happen any day, we must hurry and yet it sounds ridiculous. Urging my life goals because of the upcoming inevitable death. Maybe I’m just crazy. Crazy enough to share this that’s for sure.